Don't be this guy... Listen up!

 "He looked me right in the eyes when he asked me out. I could have sworn he was a good listener!" 

Let's be honest, have you ever been this guy? <<<<< 

I have and I was this guys yesterday and the day before. Today I'm not going to be him.

My wife means everything to me. In a few months she will make a father! So, why am I missing out on more than half of what she is saying to me while I'm busy checking what's new on social media and how many people actually looked at this post?! 

"Wait a second?! You said that you are missing out on over HALF of what your wife is saying... you're a jerk!" Ok, yes I said that. And, you are not so guilt free either. 

You see when you are "listening" with your ears and your eyes are on a device, you are missing out on the most critical part of communication: NON-VERBALS! 

It happens all to often. Sitting at the dinner table playing flappy bird, checking emails, seeing how many likes you have Facebook... and the list goes on... and on... and on! 

You can be best multi tasking listener ever but while you are doing that, your eyes are averted from the speaker and you miss out on the real meaning behind the words. Meaning is derived from non-verbals.

Depending on the Social Scientist, (Mehrabian/Ferris), non-verbals make up any where from 55% to 93% of all communication. The most famous numbers in communication is the 7 - 38 - 55. When you hear about non-verbal percentages, most of the time the number is 93%. Check out the graph below. Pure non-verbals make up 55% and 38% is everything else besides the words. Together you get 93%. 

I agree that in communication you have to consider the 3 C's:
1) Context
2) Clusters
3) Congruence
and when it comes to listening while using electronic devices, you miss out on everything the non-verbals bring to the table and you get less than half of what is really being said.  I'll use text to demonstrate what you actually get from a speaker while you are on your iPhone. 

It looks something like this:

"The ....  day I .... and ... dress .... wonderful .... to have .... spent ...ion dollars!" 

Just the other day I was working on the computer and at the same time having a "conversation" with my wife. She was talking about her work party and before that she had mentioned something about a doctors appointment. Of course when she asked what I thought, only catching half of what she said, my brain made me say the wrong thing! She replied, "You are a  good listener and right now you're not listening!"

I closed my laptop, gave her my full attention, and looked her in the eyes and said, "What?!"

Today, I invite you to make a commitment with me and we'll hold each other accountable:  

I will make the people around me priority # 1 by putting aside my phone, tablet, laptop, or whatever the distraction may be and I will listen with both my ears and my eyes! 

Are you in?

25 words of wisdom that will make your life better.

Some times you take life to seriously. Other times you do not take it serious enough. Below is a list of 25 words of wisdom that will help you balance out life.

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.



My favorite is #25. Being able to laugh at yourself will help you get over the past, that you can never change, and enjoy the future that is always changing.


Which word of wisdom is your favorite and why?

Use this simple exercise to make every day the best day…

Two weeks ago I was visiting family in northern Utah. We were going to a historical location. When we arrived I noticed a familiar face pulling things out of trunk of his car right next to where we parked. It was my old friend from College! 

I could not believe that I would run into him at that location. It was a joyful encounter. We connected again and had laughs and shared stories from over the years and then we went our way. I was happy the rest of the day because of that encounter.

Have you ever had a bad day and then, out of the blue, an old friend pops up? It changes every thing. Even though it is unexpected, you go through a rush of emotions and excitement. Those encounters often make the rest of your day the best day and you go home and tell your family and friends about your old friend.

How do you use this to your advantage? It is not likely that you will run into an old friend every day. Luckily you do not have to depend on old friends going out of their way to brighten up your day, you can do that all on your own. When you were thinking

about the last time you ran into an old friend it probably made you smile. The brain has an amazing capacity to experience powerful emotions just from the imagination.

Scientists of discovered that the brain has what is called, “mirror neurons.” These mirror neurons allows us to experience pain with out the injury, success with out the personal accomplishment, and empathy just by watching others experiencing those emotions. Using this technique I will show you how to change your day into the best one and in the process brighten the day for every one around you.

Just by imagining a past experience you can feel the emotions attached to the experience. You can also change how your day to day interactions effect you, for better or worse, by changing how you think about them.

Here is the secret: treat every one like a long lost friend. In your mind you can look at every one and imagine that they are your friend that you have not seen for ages and guess what?! They will respond with the same excitement that you show. Now there is a line. You do not tell a stranger or coworker, “It has been forever since I last saw you.” Obviously that would be weird. But every one around you will mirror the emotions that you feel as experience them your self.

Give it a shot. Treat the next person you run into like your long lost friend and watch the magic happen. Your day will be better and every one around you will have a better day!

Let me know about your experiences.

Funny Short Story About Looking Old...

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. – E. E. Cummings

Have you ever been guilty of looking at someone your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" You'll love this one. 

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name. 

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. 

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. 

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he beamed with pride. 

"When did you graduate?" I asked. 

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?" 

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed. 

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked, "What did you teach?"


*Short story originally posted here.

Command Attention Every Time by Using One Simple Word

An excited husband grabs his wife and says, “Honey guess what I just read in the news? Science has finally proven that women talk twice as much as men, see I am not crazy!” She sets there and thinks about how to respond, and then she says, “Well that is because when talking to a man women have to repeat every thing they say.” To that her husband says, “What?”  

 

Grabbing and keeping attention can be difficult, especially if you are talking to people with short attention spans. Repetition seems to be the fall back in these situations. But what if you could use a simple word that ensures that you have the other persons complete attention the first time you speak? That would practically guarantee that you do not have to repeat your self over and over again.

The simple word is their name. 

To you, your favorite word is your name. How many times in a noisy crowd do you hear faintly hear your name and look around? Out of the millions of sounds, you pick up your name and your attention is taken away from all the other sounds and focused on the one that resembled your name. This effect is also known as the Cock-tale-party effect.

Your brain in programmed to recognize the one word that has the biggest impact on your life. Your name has the power “to intrude and capture attention.” You just have to know how to use it. Here is an example of talking with a coworker and using his name to capture his attention to your instructions for watering your Aloe Vera plant while you are gone on vacation.

“Bill, thank you for being willing to water my Aloe Vera plant while I am gone for the week. I have put a cup on my desk that has a measurement line for how much water you will need. All you have to do, Bill, is fill the cup up to the line with water and then evenly dump it around the plant. Bill, the pant needs to be watered every day and what questions, Bill, do you have about watering my Aloe Vera plant?”

Each time you say “Bill” it draws his attention and he focuses on what you are saying. The follow up question is a bonus. It forces Bill to focus his thought process one more time on what you said.

Go use this secret word and save your breath from needless repetition!

Who are you really talking to?

“All conversations are with myself, and sometimes they involve other people.” –  Susan Scott

How often do you have conversations with yourself? Probably all of the time. Susan Scott author of Fierce Conversations suggests that every verbal conversions are with self.

What does that mean? Simply, you have unique life experiences, unique understandings, and a one sided view on most topics. No two people think the same way about everything, not even identical twins.

Because you are an individual you will always understand what others are saying according to your experiences, your understandings, and your personal view on the world. That is why all conversations are with yourself.

How do you involve other people in your conversations? Two ways:

1) Help them understand your experiences and viewpoints that surround the conversation at hand as clearly as possible.

2) Understand their experiences and viewpoints surrounding the conversation at hand as clearly as possible.

The more you involve others in your conversations the more enriching your conversations will be. 

How do you involve others in your conversations?

3 Things you never knew about Communication...

Most people believe that they are either a great public speaker or terrible one. What side of the line do you stand on? I won some awards and a substantial amount of scholarship money from public speaking. I thought I was a great public speaker. Today, I can tell you that I was not a well-trained public speaker. I won those awards based more on self-confidence then on the words that I spoke.

Where did this confidence come from?

1) The average person speaks about 7500 words per day*

Growing up, I talked more than the average person. It gave me a sense of confidence in my ability to communicate. It was not until I started studying human communication, kinetics, and neuro-linguistic programming that I realized that I had a long way to go to be as great of a public speaker as I thought I was.

Think about how much time you spend walking every day. At least an hour. Yet that does not mean that you have hamstrings shaped like horseshoes and ripped calves. Just because you walk all the time does not mean that your legs are in mint condition. Ripped legs requires hours spent in the gym with a focus on breaking down the muscles in your legs and building them back up until they are defined and perfectly sculpted.

The same goes for communication. Just because you spend roughly 45 minutes per day saying words does not mean that they are as skilled and trained as Martin Luther King or Demosthenes. That kind of communicative skill takes hours of practice with professionals who know how to break your current speaking habits down and building them back up with proper repetition.

This brings me to my second point:

2) The average sentence length is a mere 2.5 seconds.

Studies by kinetic founder Professor Ray Birdwhistell found that your average sentence only takes 2.5 seconds to verbalize. The next time some one smirks something witty you can point out the fact that it took them longer to think of the comment then it did to say it.

As the saying goes, “Be careful of your words, once they are said they can only be forgiven, not forgotten.” In less than 2.5 seconds you can say something that brings joy or pain to those you love.  

3) Words make upabout 7% of human Communication

Dr. Albert Mehrabian developed the 7 – 38 – 55 rule back in the 70’s. The Mehrabian rule states that 7% of communication is verbal, words only. 38% of communication is made up of vocal tone, inflections and other sounds. Mehrabian concluded that 55% of communication is non-verbal. Do you know what your non-verbals are tell people?

Want to be a better communicator? Learn about saying the right thing at the right time. Understand that what you say only takes a few seconds while its meaning carries on for a life time and that you communicate 8 times more with your body than with the words that you use. Consider getting a communication coach. Just like any other skill that you want to develop, a teacher, coach, trainer, guru, etcetera will help you be the best that you can be.

* There is an active debate on how many words per day the average person speaks. Recent articles state that women speak 3 times more words than men and use about 20,000 words per day. While men, on the other hand, speak about 7,000 words per day. If you try to find a source on where those numbers come from you will not find it. The average of 7500 words per day is the closest to a verified study that I could find. If you find a more up-to-date study let me know!