Secret to amazing communication

Think about a person that you feel is an amazing communicator. What makes that person an amazing communicator? You might answer that it is their ability to clearly state things, or they just understand you, or they have a large vocabulary, or they are able to talk to anyone, or they are a great salesman that could sale ice to Eskimos.

While those are great attributes they are not the most important attribute of amazing communication. I bet if you where to compare all of the greatest communicators that you have come across during your life you would find a common thread; Listening! They are all great listeners! That is one of the biggest secrets to communication. Any one can talk your ear off, but you will not feel like they actually communicate with you. They can talk but not communicate.

In the book, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone*, Mark Goulston explains that the main key to listening is making another person feel “felt.” He laid out 6 steps to making anyone feel felt and thereby enhance your ability to truly communicate with people. Those steps are:

1) Attach an emotion to what you think the other person is feeling, such as “frustrated,” “angry,” or “afraid.”
2) Say, “I’m trying to get a sense of what you are feeling and I think it is ___________...” and fill in an emotion. “Is that correct? If it is not, then what are you feeling?” Wait for the person to agree or to correct you.
3) Then say, “How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Give the person time to respond. Be prepared, at least initially, for a torrent of emotions – especially if the person you’re talking with is holding years of pent up frustrations, anger, or fear inside. This is not the time to fight back, or air your own grievances.
4) Next say, “And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) is because…?” Again, let the person vent.
5) Then say, “Tell me – what needs to happen for that feeling to feel better?”
6) Next say, “What part can I play in making that happen? What part can you play in making that happen?”

The key is to make sure that you ask these questions with a sincere interest in listening. If you do not care to listen then do not ask the question. At any point of the questioning, if you feel that there is more that the other person is leaving out, do not fall for the rookie mistake of interjecting your feelings, ask, “you mentioned (X), tell me more about (X)” and then listen.

As you use this format to reach people on a deeper level, you will find that they will be more appreciative of you for listening and for asking questions rather than carelessly offering your solution to their problems. 

Do not be surprised if the other person asks you some of the same questions. Regardless the conversation will be mutually benefiting. This form of communication will help you feel more fulfilled in all of your relationships. It will help you over come some of the hardships that your relationships face and you will have a deeper connection with those with whom you communicate.

*Click here to check out the book: Just Listen.