y2how.com: July 2014

Humans are incredibly capable of bouncing back from disasters. When terrible events occur we quickly recover and often times are better than before. Think of the one thing that lingers and increasingly get worse. It is like a cancer. What is that thing? An unspoken problem within a relationship is like a cancer.

When there is an issue and you do not speak up it lingers and it can be worse than having a loose pebble in your shoe. What unspoken issues are lingering in your relationships, professional or personal, that if resolved today would make your life dramatically better?

With that issue in mind the fastest way to resolve it is to address now. Speak up! Do not let another day go by with that pebble in your life. It will only get worse. I want you to be happier today than you were yesterday!

Apply the following "10 steps to resolution" to help you speak up, to feel comfortable and confidant when addressing the issue, one conversation at a time. Some of the following steps are derived from the books Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott and Just Listen by Mark Goulston.

10 steps to resolution

1) Identify the most pressing issue that you want to resolve today.
• Write the issue down in 10 or less words.

2) Clarify the Issue.
• What is going on?
• How long has this been going on?
• How bad are things?
• How does it make you feel?
• How does it make the other person feel?

3) Determine the contributions to the issue
• What is your contribution to the issue? (how)
• What is the contribution of others to the issue? (how)

4) Describe the ideal outcome
• When this issue is resolved what difference will it make?
• What results will you enjoy?
• What results will the other person enjoy?
• When you imagine this resolution what are your emotions?

5) Commit to action
• What is the most potent step you can take to move to resolution?
• What is going to attempt to get in your way and how will you get past it?
• When will you take this step?

6) Schedule a time to Speak up
• Ask the other person when a time is that you can have his/her full attention
• Schedule the appointment and be sure that you can give your full attention during the scheduled time frame
• Meet at a location where people and objects will not be a distraction

7) Be early and review what you have prepared in steps 1-5
• Calm your nerves and emotions
• Be prepared to listen intently to the other person

8) Thank the other person for meeting with you.

9) Start with why
• Express that you intentions are to resolve a lingering issue that you want to resolve today.
• Express the benefits that will come from the resolution: “I feel that following this conversation we will….”
• Tell them to feel free to add their input at any time and that you want their happiness above all.

10) Walk through points 1-5 in an open conversation.
• If the other person interjects listen intently and have a meaningful conversation.

If your conversation takes a left turn to emotional out bursts, use this phrase to bring it back to down to a situation that is more controlled and calm:

“Right now I feel like you are attacking me, and I am guessing you feel like I am attacking you. But in reality I think we are both defending ourselves. So I want you to know that I do not want to hurt you—and I know you do not want to hurt me. If we can start fresh with that agreement in place, I bet we can solve this problem together.”

Following the phrase you can either start back at point 1 or where ever you veered off course. You will ant to walk through the points because the person with whom you are speaking will give you additional insights and help you come to a better resolve then what you may have come up with on your own.

These 10 steps work in every relationship from business to romantic. An example of a business issue using these 10 steps would look like the following:

1) Impossible promises are giving the company a bad name.

2) John, the salesman, is making impossible promises to potential customers while trying to gain their trust and their business. It started last December when we lost a big client and the company was pressuring the salesmen to get new clients in order to pick up the slack. Every broken promise makes everyone look bad. We are losing money and the trust of potential customers. It makes me feel like a liar and a jerk trying to make every one do things that they know are against the company regulations in order to come as close as possible to the promises made. It frustrates John because he feels like we are all against him.

3) I try to make both John and the company happy but it always ends with no one being happy. John does not listen when I try to tell him that we can not meet his demands.

4) When this is resolved the company will be able to meet and exceed the promises made and potential customers will have a better experience when we come through on our end. I will feel less stressed about pushing every one beyond company regulations and less worried about getting into trouble. John will feel like we are all a team and that we can accomplish anything. When I imagine this outcome it makes me feel excited and invigorated to work together.

5) I can create an outline of what is possible and not possible for the team to accomplish so that way John will know what he can promise the customers. I can set down with John and review what is happening and the solution that I came up with. John will feel like we are attacking him and that we don’t like him. I will make sure that he knows that we all want to be successful and that when one fails we all fail and that we all want him to succeed! I will create the outline and schedule a time to talk with him tomorrow.

6) – 10) As outlined above.

“The not talking is getting louder and louder and soon it will be deafening.” Do not let the lack of conversation mute your relationships. Life will get better one conversation at a time!

Let me know how your conversation and resolutions improve your life. Send me a message if you need help finding a way to bring up a specific issue in your conversation. Each conversation is different and may take some more preparation, but do not procrastinate. Your happiness is just a few words away!

You become what you think about. – Earl Nightingale

To say that the brain works in marvelous ways is an understatement. Your autonomic nervous system keeps you alive with out a second thought. Yet, what you constantly think about plays the biggest role in who you become tomorrow.

Have you ever taken an account of your thoughts? It may surprise you how much of your thoughts are waisted on useless things. It was brought to my attention how much a TV series can occupy your mind and serve nothing more than just the thoughts.

For example, I watch a TV series about a world occupied by aliens and the human race fighting for their very lives. I identify with the "army hero." There is no problem in that, but I constantly find my self thinking about what I would do in his situations. Even at night I wake up thinking about. The problem is that I have never been in the army and unless there should be a war front threatening my family and community, I highly doubt that I will ever be a soldier. This is the issue: I am spending priceless time thinking about how I can be my best in a situation that I will never face.

Time well spent? I think not. So what is to be done? My mind does this automatically. It is natural for you think about the things that you constantly put before your self. Good things will occupy your mind only if you constantly look to and listen to good things.

Good things are relative. For me 'good things' are the things that make me a better communicator, trainer, husband, community helper, and faithful.

What do you find yourself automatically thinking about and what are the 'good things' that you should be spending time thinking about?